The Root of All Evil

Has anyone else ever noticed that the folk-devil trumpeted as “the reason our kids are all going to be evil baby-raping murderous sociopaths” changes several times per generation?  It’s true!

In my generation, we’ve had rap, marylin manson (notable for being one of the few individuals declared to be the antichrist, although he was doing it himself long before the media caught on), video games, and violent films blamed for all the culture’s woes.

The Boomers saw comic books, rock & roll, and the nefarious condom as their particular satans-of-the-day.

Why is this?  Why is there always something ruining the world, but it always changes, two, three times a generation, even!

Is there some bunker where Jack Thompson and Tipper Gore sit around figuring this shit out?  Are they just getting it wrong all the time?  Sometimes some new evidence comes forward and they have to revise the Enemy list?  It certainly seems like the science of “what is destroying our youth today” is imprecise.

I for one, propose a universal theorem to determine the Sociopathic Index of any particular pasttime.

Evil = (B*A)/W

M = Percentage of Brown people participating (by US reckoning)

A = Average lawsuit settlement that can be extracted from those minorities (in Millions)

W = Percentage of white kids enamored with subject matter

Lower is more evil.

See, this takes into account all the factors.  Let’s compare two perennial favorites, fundamentalist islamic terrorism and hip-hop.

Islamic terrorism has a far higher comparative percentage of brown people, whereas hip-hop employs many whites on both the creative and business sides.  However, by the Thompson Evil Quotient, Hip-Hop is actually more evil, just like these fuckers told us!  This is because there is far more money in hip-hop than in Islamic terrorism, and far more whites enjoy hip-hop than islamic terror!  By my calculations, hip-hop is approximately TEN TIMES more evil than islamic terrorism, with video games clocking in at roughly 2.5 times as evil as hip-hop!

Islamic Terror is an evil index of 400

Hip-Hop is an evil index of 40

Video Games have an evil index of 16.666 repeating!  DID YOU SEE THAT?!  6 6 6 REPEATING.  That’s like infinite Satan, right there.

(disclaimer: Andrew Zimmer is not actually batshit crazy, at least not in this particular way.   This post has been written tongue firmly planted in cheek, science has proven time and again there is no correlation between being of dark skin and being evil.  In fact, quite the opposite. -The Blue-Eyed Devil Management)