I was right.

Well, I’m projected as right.

Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee are the clear winners of the Iowa Caucuses, however some of my other predictions are in a bit of murk right now.

John Edwards has come in second, beating Hillary Clinton by a narrow, though statistically significant margin.

McCain did not beat expectations, with roughly 12% of the vote, which still isn’t bad. However, his buddy Fred Thompson did beat expectations with a surprisingly strong third-place finish.

Clearly this is a sign of my predictive aptitude, general intelligence, star power, virility, penile size, and overall cocksmanship.

Commence lust, ladies. (Edit:  I should be clear, the lust is meant to be for me, not Barry or Teh Huckbeez.  Natch.)

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The Chaos Fold’s US Primary Endorsements

Ever since being endorsed by the Wall Street Journal I’ve felt a profound need to enlighten my readership (all ten of you) as to the political ramifications of yesterday’s Iowa Caucuses, and why everything I think is right and you should totes vote the way I tell you.

This is quickly shaping up to be the election of change, and its easy to see why.  Barack Obama, very much a post-racial, post-partisan candidate, has decisively prevailed in the Democratic caucus.  With his nearest rival, the “inevitable” Hillary Clinton coming in third place, the savage double-penetration of Obama and Edwards may have blunted what was left of her momentum.

Likewise, on the Republican side, a very non-traditional candidate has emerged victorious.  Mike “teh Huckbeez” Huckabee has defeated his big-spending rival Mittens Romney by nine percentage points, the same margin between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.  Huckabee, running as an actual Christian in a field of sleazy professional pols, has brought a surprisingly resonant message of progressive economic thinking along with socially-conservative values previously unheard of in the GOP.  With an honesty and genuine Christian compassion that seems absent in the Republican Party of late, his victory could serve as the first sign of a sea change in evangelical Christian voting.

Huckabee  and Obama have formed an odd sort of coalition-of-rivals, whose agreement is one based on the necessity of change.  Hyping each other, aiming at a mutually beneficial general election showdown, Huckabee and Obama, the change candidates, are The Chaos Fold’s picks for Republican and Democratic nominees in the 2008 Presidential Election.

Just don’t vote for Teh Huckbeez in the general, the godless liberal in me demands it.

Happy Bizzaro Day!

As with all self-respecting godless pinko left-wing heathens, there is a day I find more sacred than Christmas, more enjoyable than New Year’s, and filled with more orgasms than a good Valentine’s.  Yes, I’m talking about the Iowa Caucuses.

Every four years a magical thing happens, and this year, it happens earlier, which is the political equivalent of Jesus deciding to come back just to move TEH PRESENTS DAY up a few weeks (which any savior worth his salt would surely have done by now).  Today Iowa gets to pretend it is a real state, and part of a real country, by acting as de facto kingmaker for the next Presidential nominees.

As the media circus has already begun, as early as six AM eastern standard, many anchors will tell you that Iowa no longer means everything.  These people are filthy liars.  The fact is, that in a nation as impatient as this one, we simply cannot abide the wait to the super-duper-ultra-mega-tuesday on February 5, that will surely be just a formality for all those “other” states.  Me, my native home of Virginia continues to spoil my wonderful time with a painfully-irrelevant primary date of February 12.

But yes, on this most  auspicious of days the noble peoples of Iowa emerge from their mystical fields of corn, gathering at mysterious, mystical events known as Caucuses.  Caucus, which is probably Navajo for primary or some shit, will employ dark and forbidden magics to empower two men (ha, sorry Hillz) with the ancient power of the Gods, that they might engage in ritualistic mortal combat on Votnarok, November the Fourth.

The winner, upon beheading the other and receiving his quickening, ascends to the Great Throne of Skulls, hewn cold from the bones of  failed nominees past, to govern the lands for four to eight years depending on how badly they fuck everyone over.

My predictions for today’s Iowa Caucuses?

Barack Obama wins on the Democratic side, with over 35% of the vote.  Edwards squeaks past Hillary Clinton to claim a narrow second place, however Hillary claims second place regardless.

Mittens Romney is downed on the Republican side, with a significant number of supporters changing sides at the last minute to caucus for teh Huckbeez, who wins by a small margin.  McCain beats expectations, as well, effectively killing Romney’s campaign.

Now if you’ll excuse me, me and my throbbing hard-on are going to go watch MSNBC for ten hours straight. Kthx.