Happy Bizzaro Day!

As with all self-respecting godless pinko left-wing heathens, there is a day I find more sacred than Christmas, more enjoyable than New Year’s, and filled with more orgasms than a good Valentine’s.  Yes, I’m talking about the Iowa Caucuses.

Every four years a magical thing happens, and this year, it happens earlier, which is the political equivalent of Jesus deciding to come back just to move TEH PRESENTS DAY up a few weeks (which any savior worth his salt would surely have done by now).  Today Iowa gets to pretend it is a real state, and part of a real country, by acting as de facto kingmaker for the next Presidential nominees.

As the media circus has already begun, as early as six AM eastern standard, many anchors will tell you that Iowa no longer means everything.  These people are filthy liars.  The fact is, that in a nation as impatient as this one, we simply cannot abide the wait to the super-duper-ultra-mega-tuesday on February 5, that will surely be just a formality for all those “other” states.  Me, my native home of Virginia continues to spoil my wonderful time with a painfully-irrelevant primary date of February 12.

But yes, on this most  auspicious of days the noble peoples of Iowa emerge from their mystical fields of corn, gathering at mysterious, mystical events known as Caucuses.  Caucus, which is probably Navajo for primary or some shit, will employ dark and forbidden magics to empower two men (ha, sorry Hillz) with the ancient power of the Gods, that they might engage in ritualistic mortal combat on Votnarok, November the Fourth.

The winner, upon beheading the other and receiving his quickening, ascends to the Great Throne of Skulls, hewn cold from the bones of  failed nominees past, to govern the lands for four to eight years depending on how badly they fuck everyone over.

My predictions for today’s Iowa Caucuses?

Barack Obama wins on the Democratic side, with over 35% of the vote.  Edwards squeaks past Hillary Clinton to claim a narrow second place, however Hillary claims second place regardless.

Mittens Romney is downed on the Republican side, with a significant number of supporters changing sides at the last minute to caucus for teh Huckbeez, who wins by a small margin.  McCain beats expectations, as well, effectively killing Romney’s campaign.

Now if you’ll excuse me, me and my throbbing hard-on are going to go watch MSNBC for ten hours straight. Kthx.