Cocksucking has broken my friend.

After reading my epic screed on the philosophical implications of fellatio, my good friend Travis seems to have been broken.

He just spent a good five minutes with his fists balled into his eyes, his world unraveling at the thought of his mother, our high school principal, and Joan Fucking Rivers sucking merrily on man-meat.  He had a rather severe reaction, everything went black, save one white spot in the center of his vision.  He thinks still more on the matter, convulsing with terror with each new revelation.

He deemed it the ultimate troll, though one cannot troll with truth.  He answered a phone call from his mother, who I dutifully reminded him has sucked much cock.

At long last peace settles over him, as the truth sinks in, and all is revealed.

His thoughts?

“Perhaps that’s why people become pedophiles, to find something pure and innocent… and destroy it.”

God help us all.

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The Best Joke In The World.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It isn’t hard.

This is all ridiculous.

While trying in vain to fall asleep at 7:30 in the morning, I had a thought.

The thought wasn’t a particularly dignified one, nor was it particularly profound on its own merit.

I realized that the vast majority of women I know have probably, at some point in their lives, had their mouths affixed to male genitalia.

Don’t judge me yet.

Anyway, when I mulled that concept over in my mind for a while something odd happened.  I began to panic.  I didn’t really know how to deal with that revelation, that all the people, from the elders who dispensed wisdom and cookies through my youth to the people I went to grammar school with, have probably sucked a cock or two.  It broke my brain.

In my continued effort to figure out how exactly this happened, and why it was causing a minor existential meltdown, I tried to put it out of my mind.  Didn’t work.  The whole notion is just too odd, that these people, many of whom I respect, love, care for, cherish, learn from, have partaken of an activity of that sort was hard to jive with.

Then it hit me.  The duality, between the fully-clothed, professional, intelligent human and the nude, carnal, animalistic human.  Its ridiculous.  Bordering on self-parody.  Only not so much bordering, it is self-parody.

I thought some more.

It doesn’t stop at that, everything is ridiculous.  And we take ourselves so seriously, too.  Here we are, contemplating the meaning of life, unraveling the great mysteries of the universe, and sucking dick.  The single greatest cause to believe in a god or creator isn’t the mysteries of life, or the complexity, because it really isn’t even that complex.  The greatest cause to believe is that life is so inherently ridiculous that surely, something must be playing a joke on us.

The more I thought the more ridiculous it seemed.

Human beings kill each other, go to war, create machines solely for the purpose of killing other humans.  And that’s the advanced part of us doing that!  The animal part, the so-called uncivilized part is the one that keeps the species going!  Sucking dick!

The way the universe works isn’t that complicated, just our explanations for the way the universe works are.  What goes up must come down, gravity.  There are thousands of theories and formulae that vie to explain that “phenomenon”.

My panic turned to calm, as I realized how ridiculous we all are.  For however hard we try to explain away the world, and however hard we try to kill each other, everyone’s still sucking dick, and that will save us all.

Those last two posts were too serious…

To balance it all out, here’s a giant dick joke!

…Don’t you dare judge me.

On Lewd Integers in the Decimal System

So I’m about to hit level 69 in World of Warcraft.

It’s a far more momentous occasion in my mind than 70, as you can’t yell “SIXTY-NINE, DUDES!” when you hit 70. In fact, I might be somewhat sad to leave that hallowed ground. In any case, I’m going to need to queue up that sound clip from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure and unleash it much as one might unleash a beast on my guildies in vent.

Oh, and by the way, 96? That’s 69 for contortionists.

You’re welcome.

Bollshit.

So Fumbles McStupid with the camera showed off his newest cinematic abortion.

Yeah, I’m talkin’ bout Uwe Boll.

I genuinely hate this guy. I hate him based on hearsay and bias, no doubt, but I hate him. He doesn’t make bad movies. He doesn’t make bad video game movies. In fact, he doesn’t even make movies.

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not every moment rules

So I was watching Clerks II again, today. I’ve long maintained that it is Kevin Smith’s best film. I was listening to the commentary, because those cats get pretty rowdy and it’s often as entertaining as the film itself, especially for a dork like me who finds stuff like camera angles intriguing.

Scott Mosier, the irrepressible producer of the View Askew films, and one half of Smodcast (Check it out on iTunes Music Store) had a particularly humorous nugget of insight.

Not every moment rules.

But then again, some moments do.

Hello, internet. Welcome to my world.