My Night’s Sleep

Yes, I’ve been away from my blag here for a while, I’ll talk about that some later, but right now I want to talk about how I slept last night.

Seems dull, no?  Well strap the fuck in, because we’re going for a ride.

So I was lounging around with my father last night, getting ready for bed when my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number, so it goes to voicemail. Thanks to Google voice, while I wouldn’t have checked my voicemail before sleep I certainly checked my email, and something didn’t square. The sleep study I had scheduled, to try and pin down whatever gross mutation I am saddled with, for the SIXTH of January 2011 has apparently been spontaneously rescheduled for the FIFTH of January 2011 and I am LATE FOR MY STUDY. So, roundabouts ten o’clock (study was scheduled to begin at nine) I take the world’s fastest shower, pack sleeping clothes (note: I am a man, and do not usually use sleeping clothes, this was not easy), get in the car with my father, and travel to the hospital.

For those who’ve visited or lived here, you will know I live next door to the hospital. These fucking people scheduled it, however, at the affiliated hospital fifteen miles away, with heavy road construction between me and it. I have thirty minutes, so naturally, this was all very relaxing and just the sort of activity you want to partake of right before attempting a restful night’s sleep. When I arrived and got past the prick at emergency reception (you would think they would staff the pricks in a place where they won’t talk to people in need of genuine aid), I was escorted by a very nice fellow who asked me why I looked so wired and if I had been drinking caffeine (which was VERBOTEN).

“OF COURSE I’M WIRED YOU INCOMPETENT FUCKMOOK! I HAVE JUST HAD TO NAVIGATE A CAR THROUGH THE DARK PAST FLASHING LIGHTS AND INDUSTRIAL EQUIPMENT, TO A DESTINATION I HAVE VISITED ONLY TWICE BEFORE! FROM THE GODDAMN PASSENGER SEAT! WHILE WET! NO I HAVEN’T HAD ANY CAFFEINE WHERE’S MY BED!?” I screamed, loudly, in my mind, because it really wasn’t this guy’s fault that it was all bungled and fucked up.

Now I arrive in the room, the room where I am to “sleep” for the “night”. It looks like the room was decorated by a doctor from Victorian London and Lex Luthor’s most diabolical laboratory at the same time. The furniture is alternately horrifying in its unfeeling medical coldness with its probulators and tubey things, and handmade wooden furniture with ornate styling. There is a giant LCD screen that looks as if it is meant to broadcast instructions from Dr. Evil while I sleep to reprogram me into a heartless killing machine, and who knows, maybe it did, we’ll all find out now, won’t we. Directly underneath it there was a lovely little desk upon which sat forms for me to fill out.

“FUCK!”

I fill out the forms, giving the hospital consent to brainwash me and kill me and videotape me doing ridiculous shit wait what?! Videotape? I look above Dr. Evil’s global ransom screen and see an infrared camera that is FOLLOWING ME. This camera, henceforth referred to as the Eye of Sauron/Red Ring of Death for its blinding red LEDs surrounding it, has fixed its gaze on me. “I SEE YOU” I pretend to hear. Oh well, fuck it, this whole affair is deranged anyway, I’ll sign all the consent forms including one for electrical shocks which I really wish I hadn’t just skimmed over before signing.

Right, now time to sleep. I figure they’ll put a nice sleeping cap on that contains all the sensors and brain probes required, plug it into the vaguely dildonic looking machine next to the bed and we’ll be off. Then I see the attendant preparing them.

Electrodes. Old school. Glue to your skull type things. I’ve had an EEG before so I figure, oh well, I’ll just have to wash the spunk-like glue out of my hair tomorrow morning. Turns out there were a few more things to plug in than there were last time. I counted 12 electrodes in my hair on top of my head, six around my eyes, one on my throat, two on my chest, four on each leg and two on my right arm, plus two straps across my torso.

Me, 10% of the way through the procedure

Me, 10% of the way through the procedure

Oh, and four electrodes in my beard.

THEY.

PUT.

ELECTRODES.

IN.

MY.

FUCKMOTHERING.

BEARD.

Well this night was clearly going to be restful. I got into the bed, which was surprisingly comfortable, and was given the nostril-fucker device which completed my ridiculous cyberpunk bondage outfit. The Eye of Sauron looked at me with what I swear was fucking pity, and after some tests to make sure all the gizmos and probes and prehensile robotic copulators were functioning fully, the lights went out.

Now, if you want to play the home version of this game, its simple. Take all the cables from your router, computer, etc, and plug them into your goddamn face. Then put the router and the computer next to your pillow, and lie still enough that the machines will not be displeased. It is essentially what getting skullfucked by our future robot overlords would be like, post-skullfucking when Ribonulator 800 wants to cuddle and suck power from your neurons. And your hair and beard are full of a rich, nutritive glue that is a translucent whitish color, and difficult to wash out. Now RELAX AND HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!

Miraculously I managed to sleep. My sleep was consistently interrupted whenever I accidentally tugged one of the cables and displeased the Ribonulator and had to roll back over. Eventually the stress of the unblinking gaze of the Dark Lord Sauron and the probes damaged my calm and I hit the “GET IN HERE, ASSHOLE” button next to the bed (note that the device all the electrodes are plugged into is on the bed with you, while the button you have to push in case of distress is on the fucking nightstand) to demand my valium from my bag. I would have gotten up and taken it myself, but not only was I plugged into the Matrix, here, the blanket was a special weighted blanket that made it near impossible to sit up without the attendant removing it for you. I eventually fell asleep again. Then, I discovered that in lieu of an alarm clock they fucking shock your torso to wake you up when you’re “done”. This was 5:30 AM.

Now, the long, arduous process of disconnecting me from the mechano-tentacles of the Borg began, and I got up to wash my face and then fill out the “customer satisfaction” survey. If you’re wondering, yes, I did use phrases like “Eye of Sauron”, “facefucked by androids” and so on in this survey.

Then I saw myself in the mirror.

Bleak, bleary-eyed and miserable, hair all fucked up as per usual. Rub my eyes a couple times. Holy shit. It looks like I’ve been bukkake’d by Optimus Prime and all his friends. I wash as much of the vile glue out as I can before hastily calling for rescue.

Now tell me you're a naughty girl...

It is 7:39 now, and after showering and washing my face twice, I still do not have all of that goddamn glue out of my beard.

Sleep tight, everyone!

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This is why I love politics…

The fact is, everything that is funny in the world is omnipresent in American politics.  Especially stuff like secretive buttfucking during the Republican National Convention.  Check out this family-values enthusiast’s post on Craigslist for the Minneapolis/St. Paul area.

young guy in town for the convention, looking for a good time – 25 (near Xcel Center)

Date: 2008-09-01, 6:51PM CDT

Hey guys-

I’m just getting in town for the convention, looking for fellow convention attendees to fool around and have a good time.

No Log Cabin here, nobody knows, so must be discreet.

I’m 5′8, 165 lbs, professional guy, looking for similar. We can grab a beer and talk about why Obama sucks and then get it on.

Hilarious!  In retrospect it was probably a Very Bad Idea for the GOP to host their convention right near the very airport in which one of their sitting Senators, Larry Craig (R-ID) got caught by a cop trolling for anonymous cock in a public restroom.  Seeing as the restroom itself has become a tourist attraction, not to mention being located at the airport that most of your delegates and media will be passing through, might not send the right signal.

Unless the right signal is “Tap twice under the stall and then show America your cocks”.

Wonkette: The D.C. Gossip » Blog Archive » A Children’s Treasury Of Republican M4M Ads In Minneapolis St. Paul.

Happy Anniversary, or perhaps more appropriately, This Was A Triumph

Doesn’t seem that long ago that I started this project.  I suppose it isn’t in the grand scheme of things, but on August 15, 2007, The Chaos Fold was born.  By some minor miracle I’ve managed to accrue 103 published posts, and while I’ve dropped off the blogosphere a couple of times, I’ve more or less stuck with it.

I’ve turned 21, I can legally drink.  That may or may not improve the quality of my bullshit here.  Some fun self-indulgent blag facts.

My top post of all time is “Thinking with Portals”, written shortly after I’d first played through the now ubiquitous game and internet-meme factory.  It was a quick one-off post about how Portal mechanics could make other games better and still make sense.  I thought it was interesting, but it has since accrued 1,104 reads.

I’m somewhat less proud of the others in the 100+ crowd, the second and third places going to posts with the “Dick Jokes” tag, proving once more that is an ever-fertile ground.  Interestingly, I get more hits to Thinking with Portals from Google than anywhere else.

My recent Pettrout posts are also in the 100+ club, apparently people are as confused as I was about them, and a lot of them have started coming here for the answer to the mystery.  Traffic has surged lately due to this.

The all-time record-holder for page referrals is the WordPress tag for “Cocksucking” which I am not proud of, but I thought that was a pretty funny post so I’ll take it and leave it.  In something that amuses me to no end, the rapidly-rising second place for most referrals goes to Ragamuffin Soul, home to a “Musician, Blogger, and Pastor” from Atlanta, Georgia.  Seeing as we’re in the grips of the first of many Epic Legends, the Atlanta Saga, and that I’m a staunch (though tolerant) atheist, it amuses me that this, admittedly rather interesting pastor is second to “Cocksucking” on the all-time greatest referrers list.  A few more hits and he’ll surpass that.  Personally, I’m pulling for him on this one.  I’ve read his blog and he seems to do what few Christians do these days, that is to say a lot of good.

As for search engines, the undisputed #1 champion is “portal gun” which has brought me a grand total of 367 views.  Other luminaries of the top ten include “portal glados”, “thinking with portals”, “glados portal” and of course “now you’re thinking with portals”.

My humble blog has been viewed a total of 4,598 times.  The all-time daily record was set one week ago today, when my Too Human editorial and the PetTrout pages brought in 112 unique views.

When I started, I never expected to get more than a couple dozen hits a week, and honestly expected to give up not more than a couple months into the whole thing.  Various catalysms, events, and medically-induced bouts of writers block have kept me from doing as much as I’ve wanted to do, but I’ve surpassed my own expectations.

Most of all, while I could have become the Portal Blog or the Dick Jokes blog and drowned in traffic, I’ve done my own thing and done it pretty well.

The conclusion and Epilogue of the Atlanta Saga should go up later today, and though I haven’t yet decided on the next story in the series, I’m nearing a decision, and that one should follow hot on the heels of Atlanta.

So to everyone who’s dropped by my corner of the blagoblags, thank you for your time, thank you for your feedback, and most of all, thanks to one Karen Chu, a great friend and semi-mentor, for inspiring me to go all copycat after she started her second blog and make a new one for myself.

Love, Luck, and Lollipops,

Andrew “MagicSwordKing” Zimmer

Late breaking edit: In an odd turn of events, this post has recieved over 150 hits since it went up and my all-time one-day record has doubled, with no signs of slowing.  Also, Los has overtaken Cocksucking as the #1 referrer to The Chaos Fold.  I believe this officially ushers in a new age of peace and love across the world.  Uncanny!

Latest breaking edit: While I love all the new readers, there was something of a change-up in the works for the site.  So it’s moved!  Because of the tremendous influx of readers I’ll be cross-posting everything to both blogs for a while, but The Chaos Fold has a new home!  http://thechaosfold.com!  Update your bookmarks and feeds!

Popularity

The more I write about lewd things in political or social, or philosophical context, the more hits I get.

*sniff*

I love you guys…

Cocksucking has broken my friend.

After reading my epic screed on the philosophical implications of fellatio, my good friend Travis seems to have been broken.

He just spent a good five minutes with his fists balled into his eyes, his world unraveling at the thought of his mother, our high school principal, and Joan Fucking Rivers sucking merrily on man-meat.  He had a rather severe reaction, everything went black, save one white spot in the center of his vision.  He thinks still more on the matter, convulsing with terror with each new revelation.

He deemed it the ultimate troll, though one cannot troll with truth.  He answered a phone call from his mother, who I dutifully reminded him has sucked much cock.

At long last peace settles over him, as the truth sinks in, and all is revealed.

His thoughts?

“Perhaps that’s why people become pedophiles, to find something pure and innocent… and destroy it.”

God help us all.

The Best Joke In The World.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It isn’t hard.