The Root of All Evil

Has anyone else ever noticed that the folk-devil trumpeted as “the reason our kids are all going to be evil baby-raping murderous sociopaths” changes several times per generation?  It’s true!

In my generation, we’ve had rap, marylin manson (notable for being one of the few individuals declared to be the antichrist, although he was doing it himself long before the media caught on), video games, and violent films blamed for all the culture’s woes.

The Boomers saw comic books, rock & roll, and the nefarious condom as their particular satans-of-the-day.

Why is this?  Why is there always something ruining the world, but it always changes, two, three times a generation, even!

Is there some bunker where Jack Thompson and Tipper Gore sit around figuring this shit out?  Are they just getting it wrong all the time?  Sometimes some new evidence comes forward and they have to revise the Enemy list?  It certainly seems like the science of “what is destroying our youth today” is imprecise.

I for one, propose a universal theorem to determine the Sociopathic Index of any particular pasttime.

Evil = (B*A)/W

M = Percentage of Brown people participating (by US reckoning)

A = Average lawsuit settlement that can be extracted from those minorities (in Millions)

W = Percentage of white kids enamored with subject matter

Lower is more evil.

See, this takes into account all the factors.  Let’s compare two perennial favorites, fundamentalist islamic terrorism and hip-hop.

Islamic terrorism has a far higher comparative percentage of brown people, whereas hip-hop employs many whites on both the creative and business sides.  However, by the Thompson Evil Quotient, Hip-Hop is actually more evil, just like these fuckers told us!  This is because there is far more money in hip-hop than in Islamic terrorism, and far more whites enjoy hip-hop than islamic terror!  By my calculations, hip-hop is approximately TEN TIMES more evil than islamic terrorism, with video games clocking in at roughly 2.5 times as evil as hip-hop!

Islamic Terror is an evil index of 400

Hip-Hop is an evil index of 40

Video Games have an evil index of 16.666 repeating!  DID YOU SEE THAT?!  6 6 6 REPEATING.  That’s like infinite Satan, right there.

(disclaimer: Andrew Zimmer is not actually batshit crazy, at least not in this particular way.   This post has been written tongue firmly planted in cheek, science has proven time and again there is no correlation between being of dark skin and being evil.  In fact, quite the opposite. -The Blue-Eyed Devil Management)

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Chaos.

Many people have asked me about the quote I bear as my standard, on the side there.  The reality/fantasy/chaos thing.  Yes.

Its origin was in the Applegeeks chatroom once upon a time, when I was discussing one of my many absolutely batshit ideas.  The one that gave rise to that?  A world domination plan.

Here’s how it works, I take massive doses of fertility drugs for years, and then impregnate a woman, manipulating the eggs to create psychic conjoined fiftuplets.  Not a typo, that’s 50 identical twins all conjoined at the brain.  After they burst Alien-style out of their mother’s shell, I will rear them as a weapon.  I will craft a machine to house them and their massive, massive head filled with the power of 50 brains.  It’s difficult you see because they’re not conjoined at the body, but the head, so giant skull with 50 brains, and 50 faces, and 50 bodies connected to it.  Needless to say being born to such a paragon of mental acuity as myself, they will be able to kill with their thoughts.  To keep them from turning against me I will implant them with behavioral modification before they leave the womb.  The conglomeration will be my slave.  I will drive them around on a massive robot of my design, meant to be impervious to all forms of modern weaponry.  They will proceed to assimilate all resistance around them, subjugating the entire world to my psychic freak and thus me.

I have other psychotic thoughts, but mortal man is incapable of processing more than one at once.  Look for more in the future!

Friends With Retards

No offense to actual retards meant by the following.

Anyway, has anyone else noticed that as your life progresses, it isn’t so much a journey in self-improvement and maturity as it is weeding out the retards that you’re friends with?  I know most of the stupid shit I’ve done in the past, the sort of thing you look back on with that “Oh holy jumping fucking shitballs what the fuck was I thinking” can be traced directly to a retard who I was friends with, and subsequently identified and eliminated from my life.

Sometimes, more extreme measures in retard prevention are necessary, such as changing schools in order to wipe the slate clean when the retard-to-intelligent ratio is too imbalanced.  For instance, after my freshman year of high school I performed such a scorched-earth maneuver to purge a dangerously high contamination of retards that was beginning to affect my health.  Oddly enough, in ninth grade I was a volunteer worker for the POD, which is a sort of code-name for retard pen.  These were the legitimate, physically and mentally disabled folks who were wheelchair-bound or otherwise unfit for mainstream education.

They were some of the most intelligent, tolerable, and genuine people I ever knew.  There was a guy there, Scotty, he was wheelchair-bound due to Spino Bifida, but otherwise completely sound, pretty wicked smart and more athletic than I was at the time.  I know because we’d do laps together and he’d always outrun me in his chair.

So when I bade farewell to that god-forsaken school, I made sure to let all those people know that they were more normal than the normal people, or at least more tolerable.

At this point in my life I’ve reached what I’d call retard equilibrium, my current pool of friends is limited enough that retards are outnumbered roughly 2:1, which is necessary for any sort of coherent lifestyle.  Otherwise you run the risk of one of your retard friends getting you involved in some truly retarded shit.

Unfortunately I live in Washington D.C. so all that hard work in retard purging is counterbalanced by the ‘Tard Nexus mere miles away.

Pray for me, my friends.

So the US Navy test-fired their railgun today…

The project is to create a ship-mounted railgun that can fire a projectile over 200 nautical miles with precision.  The pure aluminum slug was fired with ten megajoules of energy, part of its casing vaporizing on launch.  No explosives were involved in the test.  Pretty cool, but I’ve got one better.

The weapon of the future?  Nuclear-powered ballistic catapults.  The Catapults would be nailed to the decks of ships, powered by nuclear reactors and capable of launching ICBRs anywhere in the world.  That is to say, Intercontinental Ballistic Rocks.  They will rain boulders upon enemies with laser precision.  The MIRV Trebuchet is still under wraps, but promises to be even more amazing.

You’re welcome.

18-1

LOLFAIL

A northerner/masochistic-redskins-fan myself, even though I was rooting for them, I can’t help but laugh at the Pats’ complete and utter failure, right up to that embarassing final sack of Tom Brady.  Guess Gisele’s gonna have to go for a little jog now…

Best Superbowl in years, though.  The Giants deserve every iota of that hard-fought victory.

The United Federation of Sociopaths

Perhaps the most important special interest group this election cycle is that shadowy cadre of boisterous buffoons that have once again pissed all over FOX News’ dastardly dog curtains. Anonymous is in the news again, from the same station that brought us those classic hits “Bought a Dog”, “Hackers on Steroids”, “Internet Hate Machine”, “Corruption of LOL” and of course the exploding yellow van. I’m just wondering when MyFoxLA will report on something substantive, like children using calculators in grammar school to spell out “BOOB”, or dare I say, perform the “BOOBLESS” joke itself!

Surely, Ebaums will pay this time! Video after the jump Continue reading

5 AM Blues

Anyone else nocturnal?  I am.

Not all the time, mind you, it tends to cycle back and forth.  Insomnia combined with a vast abundance of “nothing to do” is a powerful thing, or lack thereof, as it were.  At first it made me very distraught, not being able to get practical things done, until I figured out that I really can get practical things done at odd hours, I just hadn’t tried before.  Over a period of months, years perhaps, I adapted, learned how to operate when the rest of the world sleeps.

And then it hit me.

There’s no one to fucking talk to on this planet at 5 AM!  Leastwise no one I’d really want to talk to, all my friends are depressingly “normal” when it comes to sleeping habits.  Habits!  They have habits!  The sheer gall of it astounds me.

You can go walk the streets that would normally pulverize you with noise and be completely undisturbed.  Meditative, even.  Walk for miles without seeing another pedestrian, disturbed only by the occasional whir of a passing car.  Depressing!

There’s a time and place for introspection, and it is rightfully placed during the nighttime hours, but as a general rule you’re not supposed to be up to engage in it this often.  Knowing too much about yourself is just damned unhealthy, I think.  And there’s no one to talk to!

There used to be a time when I’d cram an IRC channel or two into my life as an emotional tampon for my perpetually-menstruating inner-pussy, but as one could imagine it got old rather quickly for those selfish pricks who didn’t want to be ranted at for umpteen odd-hours.  These days, I process most of the menses internally, to take the metaphor way, way too far.

So the 5 AM blues strike me again tonight, no one to talk to but the great question mark in front of my Tubian pulpit, an audience known only by the nameless numbers on the wordpress control panel.

I had 753 of you last month.

Hooray, Tubes!