An Objective Review of Dragon’s Crown

I’ve been seeing a lot of controversy regarding the new Atlus/Vanillaware game, Dragon’s Crown.  Specifically, many people are unhappy with the review posted by notable gaming website Polygon which can be found here.  Personally, I found the review to be well-considered and fair, and it has not diminished my interest in the game.

However, we here at The Chaos Fold always seek to please you, dear reader.  So to make up for the perceived “bias” and lack of “objectivity” I have crafted the following, a completely objective review of Dragon’s Crown.

*ahem*

Dragon’s Crown is a piece of interactive software designed for the purposes of recreation and entertainment. It is available in two formats, one for the Sony PlayStation 3, and one for the Sony PlayStation Vita. It has been released in the Gregorian calendar year of 2013 AD/CE. Each version has slightly different controls, and while the PlayStation 3 version has higher resolution graphics and higher quality sound reproduction, the PlayStation Vita version can be played in a wide variety of locations and does not require the ownership of a “Television Set” peripheral.

Dragon’s Crown features combat between belligerents of varying shapes. These shapes are generally inspired by various western fantasy archetypes, and have a wide array of colors in them. Some of these archetypes are humanoid. Others are non-humanoid.

There are also animations, and visual effects generated by these characters. Sometimes this animation takes place during combat. Sometimes it does not. Sometimes this animation is triggered by player input, other times it is triggered by unseen scripting.

The game contains audio, some of which is represented in the form of sound effects, and some of which is musical in nature. There is also a good deal of text, which can be informative of gameplay systems or mechanics, or related to the game’s storyline.

The game has a storyline, with a beginning, middle, and end.

There is multiplayer, solo play, and solo play with AI-controlled allies. Allies, both AI-controlled and human-controlled attempt to be helpful. On occasion, they do not succeed.

The storyline is progressed by initiating combat with multiple enemies through a variety of environments, and succeeding in this task. There are various missions through which you can advance the primary storyline, and various other tangential missions that do not directly advance the primary storyline. Successfully completing missions will provide the player with rewards. Many missions culminate with combat against an enemy significantly larger and/or more powerful than previous enemies.

Players will use inputs on controllers to affect change within the game world.

Upon completion of the game, the game can be replayed.

Editorial note: The Chaos Fold’s review of Dragon’s Crown is based entirely on facts that literally anyone can acquire with or without playing the game.  No code was provided by Atlus or Vanillaware for this review and I am not being paid by anyone for this, or indeed for anything else.  If you require more detailed analyisis and critique of this game, we at The Chaos Fold urge you to seek out a professional video game reviewer whose opinions have historically aligned well with your own.  Note that any review obtained in this manner will not be objective, as media criticism is an inherently (and entirely) subjective.  Please see the companion piece, A User’s Guide to Media Reviews.

World Cup Thought Experiment

Imagine the scene.  You’re at the World Cup in South Africa, bleeding from every orifice due to the sonic pressure of the dread Vuvuzela.  Suddenly, during the championship game God descends.  Obviously this will cause a stoppage in play.

And He comes right on down and says to the crowd “Okay, let’s try switching things up a little bit.  There are 20,000 religious lunatics in the Vatican right now, and 20,000 soccer (Yes England I said soccer, how do you like Me now?) lunatics blowing Vuvuzelas in this stadium.  I am going to switch them for laughs.  Alright?  Alright.  Peace out, bitches!”

And just like that, 20,000 shrieking, lamenting, chanting, Catholics are in the stands at the World Cup in South Africa.  Meanwhile, Pope Benedict XVI is startled by his congregation suddenly being replaced with 20,000 drunks playing the Vuvuzela.

What do you, dear reader, think would happen?

Personally I think it would make both activities, Soccer and Organized Religion, a great deal more entertaining

I’ve made it to the big-leagues!

For the first time in The Chaos Fold’s history… Godwin’s Law has been invoked.

*sniff* I feel like my baby’s all grown up now…  People are invoking Hitler in my comment threads… Its so beautiful… Oh I promised myself I wouldn’t cry!

via xkcd

via xkcd

This is why I love politics…

The fact is, everything that is funny in the world is omnipresent in American politics.  Especially stuff like secretive buttfucking during the Republican National Convention.  Check out this family-values enthusiast’s post on Craigslist for the Minneapolis/St. Paul area.

young guy in town for the convention, looking for a good time – 25 (near Xcel Center)

Date: 2008-09-01, 6:51PM CDT

Hey guys-

I’m just getting in town for the convention, looking for fellow convention attendees to fool around and have a good time.

No Log Cabin here, nobody knows, so must be discreet.

I’m 5′8, 165 lbs, professional guy, looking for similar. We can grab a beer and talk about why Obama sucks and then get it on.

Hilarious!  In retrospect it was probably a Very Bad Idea for the GOP to host their convention right near the very airport in which one of their sitting Senators, Larry Craig (R-ID) got caught by a cop trolling for anonymous cock in a public restroom.  Seeing as the restroom itself has become a tourist attraction, not to mention being located at the airport that most of your delegates and media will be passing through, might not send the right signal.

Unless the right signal is “Tap twice under the stall and then show America your cocks”.

Wonkette: The D.C. Gossip » Blog Archive » A Children’s Treasury Of Republican M4M Ads In Minneapolis St. Paul.

Sorry, I just have to do this one more time.

Part 2 of the Atlanta story is on the way, there are a total of three parts, and when I tell the story its usually part of my spoken word routine, so I’m adapting it as I go.  I have to get something out of my system though.

MCCAIN/PALIN ’08 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

John McCain… chooses Sarah Palin… a woman with less experience and intellect than his own stepford wife… as his running mate.

I’ve stopped gut-laughing long enough to provide you with this image on the future of the McCain/Palin America.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It’s been a bad case of February

Life’s been a bitch lately.  It’s about that time of year.

Anyway, I do have a musing to share with you all.  I’ve remarked before about how many of my fucking idiot friends are doing things such as getting engaged/married at ages comparable to my own, that is 20 years old.

That’s retarded.

Another one seems to have fallen victim to this breeder curse, albeit one of the psychotic religious nuts.  Bet you didn’t know I had any of those for my friends, godless heathen that I am, eh?   The whole notion of marriage is a dubious one to me.  It hasn’t exactly worked out for the people I know, so I’m reticent to try it.  Of course trying it would require a woman crazy enough to hitch their wagon to a dumpy misanthrope like myself, which is a whole other blog.  Getting married at 20?  That’s just ridiculous, I mean there’s crazy and then there’s scientology crazy, I think getting hitched at 20 falls into the latter category.

Oh well.  If it weren’t for worshipping space Jesus she’d have been pretty hot.  Best of luck in your descent into madness!