Friends With Retards

No offense to actual retards meant by the following.

Anyway, has anyone else noticed that as your life progresses, it isn’t so much a journey in self-improvement and maturity as it is weeding out the retards that you’re friends with?  I know most of the stupid shit I’ve done in the past, the sort of thing you look back on with that “Oh holy jumping fucking shitballs what the fuck was I thinking” can be traced directly to a retard who I was friends with, and subsequently identified and eliminated from my life.

Sometimes, more extreme measures in retard prevention are necessary, such as changing schools in order to wipe the slate clean when the retard-to-intelligent ratio is too imbalanced.  For instance, after my freshman year of high school I performed such a scorched-earth maneuver to purge a dangerously high contamination of retards that was beginning to affect my health.  Oddly enough, in ninth grade I was a volunteer worker for the POD, which is a sort of code-name for retard pen.  These were the legitimate, physically and mentally disabled folks who were wheelchair-bound or otherwise unfit for mainstream education.

They were some of the most intelligent, tolerable, and genuine people I ever knew.  There was a guy there, Scotty, he was wheelchair-bound due to Spino Bifida, but otherwise completely sound, pretty wicked smart and more athletic than I was at the time.  I know because we’d do laps together and he’d always outrun me in his chair.

So when I bade farewell to that god-forsaken school, I made sure to let all those people know that they were more normal than the normal people, or at least more tolerable.

At this point in my life I’ve reached what I’d call retard equilibrium, my current pool of friends is limited enough that retards are outnumbered roughly 2:1, which is necessary for any sort of coherent lifestyle.  Otherwise you run the risk of one of your retard friends getting you involved in some truly retarded shit.

Unfortunately I live in Washington D.C. so all that hard work in retard purging is counterbalanced by the ‘Tard Nexus mere miles away.

Pray for me, my friends.

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2 Comments

  1. Hi thanks for the plug in favor of us Spina Bifidians! We are all really good people, us Spina Bifidians, even those of us who are actual retards.

  2. I understand you completely. I too changed schools at the beginning of high school as an escape, no one suspected a thing. When I turned forty, I was so sick of most of the people I knew I move to Spain to escape them…After 8 years here, I have the atlas out again.


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