Go Buy Devil May Cry 4

That is all. More tomorrow when I’m not addled by fatigue.
(Hyper-late Edit:  Obviously this never happened.  I’ll try to make up for it with something fantasmically awesome.)

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Chris Taylor is Wrong

So Chris Taylor, he of Total Annihilation fame, is demagoguing about how to “save PC gaming”.  Of course, he’s got it wrong.

Putting aside the fact that he’s an irrelevant fucktard, a one-hit-wonder of a game developer whose library is a cavalcade of mediocrity, to ape the inimitable Yahtzee, he’s on the wrong path.

Taylor says that the future of gaming is in “Secure PC Gaming” a nebulous term that in hu-man language means “draconian copy protection”.  He claims the problem is widespread piracy, and that the only way to save PC gaming is to inconvenience everyone.  This is wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.

As the music and film industries have so valiantly failed to learn, piracy is not the problem, it is the symptom of the problem.  Namely, barriers to entry including, but not limited to, rising costs and draconian copy protection.  Simply put, the problem is that it is easier to pirate something than to acquire it legally.  PC gaming, however, has another problem, a great big problem so glaring that the herculean effort required to ignore it defies the laws of science.

It’s the system requirements.

Let’s put this in perspective, I am a life-long PC gamer, I cut my teeth on this stuff.  I’ve long supported the platform and it is my fervent belief that the mouse and keyboard are the gaming equivalent of lightsabers, that is to say, “finer weapons, for a more civilized age.”   My computer is four months old, it has a processor that can think faster than God and enough RAM to store the collected knowledge of humanity.  It cannot run Crysis above “low” settings.  It cannot even meet minimums for the forthcoming Assassin’s Creed port.  Considering it rarely runs above 1280×720, this is ridiculous.

There are PC games being made these days for a machine that does not fucking exist.  That is the problem, not piracy.  The solution is simple, though.  In fact, several companies are already doing monstrous business by using it!

Stop competing with the consoles.

World of Warcraft can run on just about anything.  Ditto for The Sims.  I bet Spore won’t require a demonically-empowered quantum-shitstomper of a machine to run, either.  The fact is, the PC cannot, nor should it compete for graphical supremacy with the consoles.  They’ve got the high ground, they’ve usurped the mantle of prettiest princess at the ball.  Making games that people can’t play is capital-R Retarded.

Make games that will run on three-year-old machines.  At the very least, don’t develop for hardware that doesn’t exist.  Sell your games through Steam, and for god’s sake don’t saddle retail boxes with restrictive DRM.  A CD-Key is enough.  I don’t know a single person among my friends and acquaintances who pirated StarCraft.  Everyone bought it, and they bought it because the online experience was so compelling that they would rather have paid the cost of entry than found some arcane method of circumventing that barrier.  To my knowledge, it had no copy protection beyond a CD-Key and requiring the disc in the drive.  None.

The audience for PC gaming is there, Blizzard has proven it time and time again.  They don’t want to spend thousands of dollars to upgrade their computers, at least not along the schedules that PC developers have decided upon.  Chris Taylor wants to punish consumers for a problem that he doesn’t even understand.  For my part I’m glad no one in their right mind would listen to him.

THE FUTURE IS NOW

I must share something.  Something amazing, something science fiction.

Dominos Pizza is now providing… REAL TIME PIZZA TRACKING.

After placing your order online, you are given the option to go visit the Pizza Tracker, complete with status bar that updates in real time as the various stages of your pizza’s journey are completed.

This is so extraordinary, I don’t think I can express my feelings with text… Captain Jean-Luc Picard, would you be so kind?

for fuck's sake...

It’s been a bad case of February

Life’s been a bitch lately.  It’s about that time of year.

Anyway, I do have a musing to share with you all.  I’ve remarked before about how many of my fucking idiot friends are doing things such as getting engaged/married at ages comparable to my own, that is 20 years old.

That’s retarded.

Another one seems to have fallen victim to this breeder curse, albeit one of the psychotic religious nuts.  Bet you didn’t know I had any of those for my friends, godless heathen that I am, eh?   The whole notion of marriage is a dubious one to me.  It hasn’t exactly worked out for the people I know, so I’m reticent to try it.  Of course trying it would require a woman crazy enough to hitch their wagon to a dumpy misanthrope like myself, which is a whole other blog.  Getting married at 20?  That’s just ridiculous, I mean there’s crazy and then there’s scientology crazy, I think getting hitched at 20 falls into the latter category.

Oh well.  If it weren’t for worshipping space Jesus she’d have been pretty hot.  Best of luck in your descent into madness!

The Root of All Evil

Has anyone else ever noticed that the folk-devil trumpeted as “the reason our kids are all going to be evil baby-raping murderous sociopaths” changes several times per generation?  It’s true!

In my generation, we’ve had rap, marylin manson (notable for being one of the few individuals declared to be the antichrist, although he was doing it himself long before the media caught on), video games, and violent films blamed for all the culture’s woes.

The Boomers saw comic books, rock & roll, and the nefarious condom as their particular satans-of-the-day.

Why is this?  Why is there always something ruining the world, but it always changes, two, three times a generation, even!

Is there some bunker where Jack Thompson and Tipper Gore sit around figuring this shit out?  Are they just getting it wrong all the time?  Sometimes some new evidence comes forward and they have to revise the Enemy list?  It certainly seems like the science of “what is destroying our youth today” is imprecise.

I for one, propose a universal theorem to determine the Sociopathic Index of any particular pasttime.

Evil = (B*A)/W

M = Percentage of Brown people participating (by US reckoning)

A = Average lawsuit settlement that can be extracted from those minorities (in Millions)

W = Percentage of white kids enamored with subject matter

Lower is more evil.

See, this takes into account all the factors.  Let’s compare two perennial favorites, fundamentalist islamic terrorism and hip-hop.

Islamic terrorism has a far higher comparative percentage of brown people, whereas hip-hop employs many whites on both the creative and business sides.  However, by the Thompson Evil Quotient, Hip-Hop is actually more evil, just like these fuckers told us!  This is because there is far more money in hip-hop than in Islamic terrorism, and far more whites enjoy hip-hop than islamic terror!  By my calculations, hip-hop is approximately TEN TIMES more evil than islamic terrorism, with video games clocking in at roughly 2.5 times as evil as hip-hop!

Islamic Terror is an evil index of 400

Hip-Hop is an evil index of 40

Video Games have an evil index of 16.666 repeating!  DID YOU SEE THAT?!  6 6 6 REPEATING.  That’s like infinite Satan, right there.

(disclaimer: Andrew Zimmer is not actually batshit crazy, at least not in this particular way.   This post has been written tongue firmly planted in cheek, science has proven time and again there is no correlation between being of dark skin and being evil.  In fact, quite the opposite. -The Blue-Eyed Devil Management)

Chaos.

Many people have asked me about the quote I bear as my standard, on the side there.  The reality/fantasy/chaos thing.  Yes.

Its origin was in the Applegeeks chatroom once upon a time, when I was discussing one of my many absolutely batshit ideas.  The one that gave rise to that?  A world domination plan.

Here’s how it works, I take massive doses of fertility drugs for years, and then impregnate a woman, manipulating the eggs to create psychic conjoined fiftuplets.  Not a typo, that’s 50 identical twins all conjoined at the brain.  After they burst Alien-style out of their mother’s shell, I will rear them as a weapon.  I will craft a machine to house them and their massive, massive head filled with the power of 50 brains.  It’s difficult you see because they’re not conjoined at the body, but the head, so giant skull with 50 brains, and 50 faces, and 50 bodies connected to it.  Needless to say being born to such a paragon of mental acuity as myself, they will be able to kill with their thoughts.  To keep them from turning against me I will implant them with behavioral modification before they leave the womb.  The conglomeration will be my slave.  I will drive them around on a massive robot of my design, meant to be impervious to all forms of modern weaponry.  They will proceed to assimilate all resistance around them, subjugating the entire world to my psychic freak and thus me.

I have other psychotic thoughts, but mortal man is incapable of processing more than one at once.  Look for more in the future!

Friends With Retards

No offense to actual retards meant by the following.

Anyway, has anyone else noticed that as your life progresses, it isn’t so much a journey in self-improvement and maturity as it is weeding out the retards that you’re friends with?  I know most of the stupid shit I’ve done in the past, the sort of thing you look back on with that “Oh holy jumping fucking shitballs what the fuck was I thinking” can be traced directly to a retard who I was friends with, and subsequently identified and eliminated from my life.

Sometimes, more extreme measures in retard prevention are necessary, such as changing schools in order to wipe the slate clean when the retard-to-intelligent ratio is too imbalanced.  For instance, after my freshman year of high school I performed such a scorched-earth maneuver to purge a dangerously high contamination of retards that was beginning to affect my health.  Oddly enough, in ninth grade I was a volunteer worker for the POD, which is a sort of code-name for retard pen.  These were the legitimate, physically and mentally disabled folks who were wheelchair-bound or otherwise unfit for mainstream education.

They were some of the most intelligent, tolerable, and genuine people I ever knew.  There was a guy there, Scotty, he was wheelchair-bound due to Spino Bifida, but otherwise completely sound, pretty wicked smart and more athletic than I was at the time.  I know because we’d do laps together and he’d always outrun me in his chair.

So when I bade farewell to that god-forsaken school, I made sure to let all those people know that they were more normal than the normal people, or at least more tolerable.

At this point in my life I’ve reached what I’d call retard equilibrium, my current pool of friends is limited enough that retards are outnumbered roughly 2:1, which is necessary for any sort of coherent lifestyle.  Otherwise you run the risk of one of your retard friends getting you involved in some truly retarded shit.

Unfortunately I live in Washington D.C. so all that hard work in retard purging is counterbalanced by the ‘Tard Nexus mere miles away.

Pray for me, my friends.