Modern Gladiatorial Competition

With the recent return of that most shameful of American institutions, American Gladiators, a television program in which mutants try and kill each other with gigantic Nerf weapons, I’m having a strange revelation.

Rome, the world’s first true Republic, seems to have given us two lasting plagues, that are not so dissimilar as they are brother and sister, no doubt born to an incestuous parental unit themselves.

Politics, and killing for sport.

They’re one and the same if you ask me.  Let me take you on a journey, here.  Let’s break it all down.

American Politics, is a tactical game as intricate and delicate as warfare or mortal combat itself.  Two opposing teams, the Democrats and the Republicans, fight vicious battles of speech and prose with the same goal in mind:  To make the nation better.

Opportunists, of which there are many, even believe in this principle above all else, after all, what is good for the nation is good for you.  It is even better for you if you can take credit for it.  And so, every four years, the two great teams of the Capitol Gladiatorial Committee select a series of prodigies, beacons of their various positions, leaders in every sense of the word.

Then for roughly one year, these people who agree on almost everything will beat the living shit of each other until they are physically exhausted, mentally drained, and most likely emotionally disturbed.  The contender, selected by the audience of the American Public, is largely random.

Then, the true bloodbath begins, when the Red Team squares off against the Blue Team in a fight to the death, the strongest of the strongest locked in mortal combat with supreme executive authority as the prize.

The victor, again, is not the most skilled, or the most qualified, but rather random.  And on that day, the first Tuesday after the first Monday of November (doesn’t that just sound ritualistic?) the victor is allowed to rest for a time, until taking the oath of office and having the shit knocked out of them by both parties of Congress for the next four to eight years.

In essence, the American system of government is a giant gladiatorial competition, where the weak are fed to the strong, and the strong are beaten until they are weak and spent.

Two groups.  Two parties.  Two teams.  Countless attacks, ripostes, parries, wounds.

And when you get right down to it, they all want the same things.

It’s a fucking miracle we’ve gone over a century without a caning incident in Congress.  So fight on you gladiators of liberty, I’ll sleep soundly knowing that you’ll all be dead one day, and not you nor your replacements will be able to dominate the one, quintessential aspect of being a proud American.

We’re all too fucking stubborn to be wrangled.

Sleep tight, Washington.  Strength and Honor.

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1 Comment

  1. fuckin roman empire…its their fault Christianity is so rampant as well….hail satan


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